My brain
Does not comprehend this
Quite yet
But it’s here
Cutting me
Up

Am I such a slow machine?

There is a black blind behind my eyes
I can’t see
Myself in any mirrors anymore
There is nobody there
No reflection
I am not she
(And I did not become you)

How do I expect him to see me?

And home is a cold place
Full of smiles and love
And I am growing up to meet it
To be swallowed up whole
My whole
And loved

But where do I sit?
I see a lost garden chair
Dirty
In the middle of a playing field
With one broken leg
I am sat here
And stared at

And I forgot
I need to
Paint myself again
Myself of all those colours
And all those years
And me
Just mei

I must already be ready
Because it’s already here

The bravest thing you will ever do
in your entire life
is allow yourself to be loved unconditionally

I can’t be expected
To not be all sad
When the drinks take forever
And the music is bad!

I wasn’t the only one
Walking out early
Too hot and too stuffy
And angry and burly

I thought there were problems
And all of them me
I was wrong! So now next time
I’ll go home for tea

Why are you even here?
Said the judgemental bitch
As I judged her bitchily

I was upset at the time.
(I don’t
Iike my bare nerves
Pinched)
And she refused to share in my
Icy stare.
And she left
Before I did

I had tried to make myself feel welcome
I had!
And I received many warm smiles and loves
That I returned with desire-less eyes
As if there was a switch turned to
The ‘off’ position in my side

There must be something somewhere that fills me!
Or am I just broke?

After all
It was an
Indisputably
Nice
Outing.

Afterwards I asked myself again
Like a judgemental bitch
Why am I even here?

I don’t know.

I used to hide razors all over my brain
I stepped on them most days
But I had none in real life so
No one worried

I cleaned them up but
I’m still sad because
I wanted them to know why
But It doesn’t work that way

I got some people with razors
They love me but
They don’t realise that
They cut me up while they are shaving

I go to them for my cuts now
I ought to stop.

i stripped the meat off of my bones
i didnt know you could stuff sandpaper in there
and cover it back up with skin
and go ahead
and pretend
but here we are

It’s meant to be fun Lawrence!
I explained
in a worn out repeat myself way
as we lost another game and cleared up the pieces
and started again
i wasn’t having fun either but
Goddamn
We had to play.

the only thing that
I want to get better at
Is being myself

I Instagrammed it
And all I got was a big
old bunch of pixels

I showed it to you
And all I got was a big
old smile. That’ll do
🙂

You recall lots of
things that make your heart beat hard. 
You live them. It’s nice.

You forgot a lot
of things you knew before you
were taught Better. Shame.

YES

You tell me You don’t Know if you Can
Be
Anymore

Don’t you See?
Like Blood
You can’t
Stop

After all the pins
And all the needles
It Will.
Just the Same.

I,

a Warrior who

Yearns to be

Pleasantly

Disarmed

coming and going
coming and going
coming and going
too busy
its nothing much to me

i can watch you
and love you
never having touched you

feel you near me

coming and going
coming and going
coming and going

i won’t send love songs anymore
i don’t expect you
to

But the look in his eyes.

i still don’t expect you to stay.

You don’t need to
Climb to me

I will carry
You

I will be
Your back pack

Tickling your heels
I will follow you
(I love your butt)

You don’t need to
Look for me

I will be you

.

I’m here
I couldn’t be anyone else
But You

You wonder
Will you

Ever…?

You don’t know

But I do

So let’s get back to it now shall we

Since when did stuff go out

-click-click-click-

This damn thing it usually…

*click*

Ok.

I think.

I think that should do it…

I knew
Yesterday
Exactly what was going on
Now there’s
A veil over
What I knew last night
Flashes pop now again
Like a busy friend
Or one I won’t
Have at my table

I wonder if it knows
It loves me
It’s
at the foot of my bed
Inside my head
Knocking against waiting
For my lightbulb to turn
On

I wonder how?
I think wondering is not the way
I think
(And I see this clearly sometimes)
It is being
Like a butterfly let off a string

Then again
I don’t know.
It does.

I’m
Always asking
My Gold coins

Is there something
WRONG
with me
How to make it
RIGHT

Sometimes it’s better when I just
Sit
Tight
And
Be
Me

But I find it
Scary

What if
I’m
Not Enough?

You’re pretty and you smell good and are pink

Sometimes

You

Are

SO LAME

I think

I

Like

you…

It takes a long time
To get back to yourself
It’s no fun
Being kept on a shelf.

i’m going
to
be
Stubborn

You
CAN’T
make me Happy
No
i Won’t
let you

No matter
how
Hard you
Try

(I wish
You’d try
A Little
Harder)

Today today
I’m far away
But I am coming home

Slowly slowly
Roly poly
Walking on my own

Somewhere somewhere
I will see
These wildest dreams come true

Some place some place
I’ll be there
And you will be there too

I’m so sorry
Didn’t mean to be shitty
I’m really all soft
And think you are pretty

I keep secret things
That make me concerned
Bad things I picked up
All spelt wrong and learned

I’m not prepared
For somebody nice
When you asked me once
I needed it twice

So I’m so sorry
Don’t mean to be shitty
I’m still all soft
And you’re still all pretty

When I was in pre-school – so maybe 4, 5 years old, we had to get injections. We went to the school hall for it. We all lined up and I got to the front and was super curious and saw this needle about to inject into my skin. I was super excited and looked really closely so I could watch what happened. I’d had injections before and I wanted to see how they did it. She got the needle out and it was poised over my arm and…

…this bitch teacher to my side goes ‘look at me!’ and waves at me like some sort of clowny idiot. I’m not impressed. This is not important. When I look back it was over. I missed it. Godammit.

I can still see this twat’s fake smiley ass clown face. I was annoyed at her but what could I do.

 I don’t know if I can enjoy injections anymore.

I think you’re an idiot

But hey

you know better than me!

It’s funny the things

That make people cross

Like how I own

A posh

Dyson

Fan

Friend

I wish I hadn’t seen more of you

Because

Now I know

I do not like you

Anymore

I guess that’s what

Not loving someone

Is like

I wonder if

I ever will

I want to dive into somebody

who does not have

rocks at the bottom

does everyone have rocks…

I think I

might be

Alive

Misunderstood

Muffin topped

Beaten

Song-less

Injured

Un-fucked

and Alone

but

I think

The lights are

Coming back on

and

I think

I might be

Alive

I’m sorry no one treats you like

The princess that you clearly are

Is the world getting shittier or am I wearing shit tinted glasses

I got a singing boy to sing to me!

He looked in my eyes and they said

I’ll take her!

But I left

While he helped put the drum kit in the car

Guess you can’t make people do things with your eyes…

they said he was Different

i didn’t know

he was so

Odd.

i thought he was

normal.

it wasn’t until

he dropped me

ten miles out of nowhere

that i realised

Hell.

this wasn’t going to work

muddied up with colours that don’t match
don’t you think for one moment
that your shades are anything less
than out of this world

you know when you thought something you loved was dead but it’s not?

that’s what it’s like

i’m scared of you
this space in my face
that stores jingles from adverts and
useless facts like
there was a chicken that lived 18 months with no head

i’m scared of you

but it’s just you and me now

*BN BN
doo doo
do do do…*

You walked over plains that no one sees
You played music only angels hear
You’ve Let It Go.
You’ve seen hearts open
From ten thousand lives
You’ve been loved by souls
And made them cry
You’ve stepped into skies
You’ve walked wordlessly and un-followed into
Inconceivable light

You’ve been walking on burning feet for a long time now

But you are still
one thousand voices loud
one thousand candles and bright

I will always
Be Proud
Of you.

I know they did me very wrong but
I hope I don’t
Hold it against
Anyone
too long

I hope I
Let go and
Laugh
louder than I cry

I hope the castle I build is higher than
deep, of any hole I’ve dug

I hope I keep believing.
I hope I remember that I belong.

I hope I realise that what I deserve
Is always more than I think

I hope I end up myself
and no one else

I hope I run
Faster than I chase

and I hope I look forward
More firmly than I recall

I hope I am never crueller to myself
Than I am to others

I hope I never forget

Shadows may fascinate but
they all disappear in light

I hope I can make mine bright
I’ll get this right

I can see it
It breathes deeply
Deeper than I can see
It’s fresh baked bowl shape steam cakes
Bare legs running
Rolling grinning down a hill
It’s summer
Building a birds nest in a rock
It’s free
It’s an outdoor swimming pool
It’s coming here
To me

Someone once told me
My skills
Like other poets’
Would leave me
Like my youth

(I soon turned Him over
and found
A hairline crack inside)

I’d love to say
There were no doubts planted that day
But every gardener knows
Weeds are a fact
of life

I still don’t understand
how Not Good Enough
you are
for me

But I’m starting to know
It’s irrelevant

Because

I’m
Brighter

Than it all

It takes some time
For me to see
How beautiful
Ugly is
To me

How fabulous
Disgusting
Seemed
How weak and sly and
In betweened

Inconsequential
Spineless
Muck
How lowly, hollow
armed and sucked

how dead end roaded
Savage plain
coward-eyed
and limping came

In far away
And given up
How carcass hearted
Piled and stuck

I saw the terror in your eyes
And it came as no surprise
When it came for game to play
You soiled yourself and ran away

thank you for keeping me happy
thank you for keeping me sane
thank you for not letting me jump off a cliff
when i’d forgotten my face and my name
thanks for cleaning up my mess
and hearing all my shite
and reminding me that feelings end
and everything’s all right

it’s just the smallest things you know
that makes the change for me
when no one else around is strong
you help me smile and see
you and i don’t think the same
thoughts splash my mind and scatter
but you put the thinkings in their pots
and remind me they don’t matter

and i’ve a tendency to sink
into a desolating mud
but you catch my head before it
hits that concrete with a thud
you light a taper in my dark
you know it’s not the end
i’d just like to thank you chick
for being a damn good friend

still Fucking Miles off
Mate

If you want me
You’ll have to try harder than that!

he grew me like a flower
i wondered when id ever get him gone
he came to me inside my dreams
and did things that were wrong

my frail body can’t withstand
the wrong you did to me
my ears they bleed

i miss you and your
terrible

i miss you and your
terrible
disgusting
haunting

i miss you and your
terrible
disgusting
haunting

and I a nothing
a nothing
a Nothing
I trusted you

I was wrong

It was so easy to lemon drop my secrets into you
like pennies in a well
but i won’t throw my coins away
you won’t make my wish come true

i feel safe amidst your voice
i’m held up stars away
but you can’t come to see me smile
or come and watch me play

we spoke with lights in both our eyes
we fit like oiled machines
but you can’t show me what you feel
i can’t show you what i mean

And so they tell me, I know it’s true,
You’re not worthy of my time
but they don’t see us like I do
when i was yours, and mine

i burnt into you like a flame
you cowered coiled away
love’s a brave heroic game
that you’re too scared to play

and snapping you from off of me
like hair and skin and bone
leaving things i left unsaid
and things i know, unknown

it’s another story for the books
a ghost tore us apart
but i’ll remember that one moment when
i had you,
at the start