The Needle

When I was in pre-school – so maybe 4, 5 years old, we had to get injections. We went to the school hall for it. We all lined up and I got to the front and was super curious and saw this needle about to inject into my skin. I was super excited and looked really closely so I could watch what happened. I’d had injections before and I wanted to see how they did it. She got the needle out and it was poised over my arm and…

…this bitch teacher to my side goes ‘look at me!’ and waves at me like some sort of clowny idiot. I’m not impressed. This is not important. When I look back it was over. I missed it. Godammit.

I can still see this twat’s fake smiley ass clown face. I was annoyed at her but what could I do.

 I don’t know if I can enjoy injections anymore.

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Light

You walked over plains that no one sees
You played music only angels hear
You’ve Let It Go.
You’ve seen hearts open
From ten thousand lives
You’ve been loved by souls
And made them cry
You’ve stepped into skies
You’ve walked wordlessly and un-followed into
Inconceivable light

You’ve been walking on burning feet for a long time now

But you are still
one thousand voices loud
one thousand candles and bright

I will always
Be Proud
Of you.

Prayer to Myself

I know they did me very wrong but
I hope I don’t
Hold it against
Anyone
too long

I hope I
Let go and
Laugh
louder than I cry

I hope the castle I build is higher than
deep, of any hole I’ve dug

I hope I keep believing.
I hope I remember that I belong.

I hope I realise that what I deserve
Is always more than I think

I hope I end up myself
and no one else

I hope I run
Faster than I chase

and I hope I look forward
More firmly than I recall

I hope I am never crueller to myself
Than I am to others

I hope I never forget

Shadows may fascinate but
they all disappear in light

I hope I can make mine bright
I’ll get this right

Catseye

It takes some time
For me to see
How beautiful
Ugly is
To me

How fabulous
Disgusting
Seemed
How weak and sly and
In betweened

Inconsequential
Spineless
Muck
How lowly, hollow
armed and sucked

how dead end roaded
Savage plain
coward-eyed
and limping came

In far away
And given up
How carcass hearted
Piled and stuck

I saw the terror in your eyes
And it came as no surprise
When it came for game to play
You soiled yourself and ran away

real mate

thank you for keeping me happy
thank you for keeping me sane
thank you for not letting me jump off a cliff
when i’d forgotten my face and my name
thanks for cleaning up my mess
and hearing all my shite
and reminding me that feelings end
and everything’s all right

it’s just the smallest things you know
that makes the change for me
when no one else around is strong
you help me smile and see
you and i don’t think the same
thoughts splash my mind and scatter
but you put the thinkings in their pots
and remind me they don’t matter

and i’ve a tendency to sink
into a desolating mud
but you catch my head before it
hits that concrete with a thud
you light a taper in my dark
you know it’s not the end
i’d just like to thank you chick
for being a damn good friend

Heal

he grew me like a flower
i wondered when id ever get him gone
he came to me inside my dreams
and did things that were wrong

my frail body can’t withstand
the wrong you did to me
my ears they bleed

i miss you and your
terrible

i miss you and your
terrible
disgusting
haunting

i miss you and your
terrible
disgusting
haunting

and I a nothing
a nothing
a Nothing
I trusted you

I was wrong

see ya

It was so easy to lemon drop my secrets into you
like pennies in a well
but i won’t throw my coins away
you won’t make my wish come true

i feel safe amidst your voice
i’m held up stars away
but you can’t come to see me smile
or come and watch me play

we spoke with lights in both our eyes
we fit like oiled machines
but you can’t show me what you feel
i can’t show you what i mean

And so they tell me, I know it’s true,
You’re not worthy of my time
but they don’t see us like I do
when i was yours, and mine

i burnt into you like a flame
you cowered coiled away
love’s a brave heroic game
that you’re too scared to play

and snapping you from off of me
like hair and skin and bone
leaving things i left unsaid
and things i know, unknown

it’s another story for the books
a ghost tore us apart
but i’ll remember that one moment when
i had you,
at the start

Neat

i am falling together like
a clever origami piece
deftly unfolded into breathless bright Cities

im shaking you off
these many legged crawlings in my fur
i found the way
to breathe you out and make you run

as sheets fall
dust fills my air but
i found the way
to suck it up and lemon scent

i am becoming un-lost
Heart, you’re done counting

You can come find me now

entity

we have too much to say to you
to write in one line

my head starts to throb as they
turn up the dial
i see light all around but
they show me the dark
is it me?
am I mad?

we can’t show you everything
not yet
we have a plan for you

My head may be aching
But my heart is worse
I only want to be
Myself

In Two Different Rooms

in the silence
i forget the noise
in the class room
i forget my toys

In the cold
I forget the warm weather
In falling apart
Forget being together

In my shame
I forget to be proud
In my quiet
I forget to be loud

In my crying
I forget I can laugh
In my exploration
I forget my path

In my fury
I forget my calm
In harsh calculation
I forget the charm

In my worry
I forget my peace
In my starvation
I forget the feast

In the darkness
I forget the light
In being all wrong
I forget there is right

In my mind
I forget my heart
In my endings
I forget I can start

In my youth
I forget I’ll get old
In nobody speaking
I forget I was told

In my caution
I forget about chance
In my standing aloof
I forget I can dance

In my despair
I forget I can smile
And when I was alone
They were there all the while

In my stillness
I forget how to move
but I can never
(ever)
(ever)
forget about You.

You have a Painting in your Attic

Looking again
I never realised that parts of you
Stuck out like broken bones
And the smell of too much cologne hung off your skin
Like flakes of rot

I never realised
Your skull was so scuttle-like and mottled
Greyed and stained like a stepped over dust sheet
Or your dim paper boy walk, heavy booted and clumsy like a
Darted fat drunk.

I never saw
Your  eyes
The colour of warm lager that washes out the taste
Of the morning after
Or the words spat from your split lips
Propaganda of your times
Self serving, blank and sharp suited in their sell-something eloquence

No I never realised

But now I look again

I do.

Someone Like you

You
You and your migraines are
Contagious
Your reasoning outrageous
You, your head, your heart they never meet.
Good job that you’re in fashion
Because with your lack of passion
You could never sweep a woman off her feet

And you make me feel
I am out in driving rain
I am lonely, lost and missing you
And that makes me insane?
And all the bits of me I have lain
Out for you
You regard with a cold indifferent blade

And your every word is another nail
Every omitted kiss another fail
I wonder what is it that makes you glad?

Too afraid
To feel the sun on your naked skin
To be pulled inside out from within

Too scared
To risk a fall and bleed
To reach too far for what you need
To hold my hand while you run
To let go, to dance, to breathe, to jump

To have your heart
Stop.

See I only wanted to leap off cliffs with you
Into some unending painted blue
But I’m sorry.
I know that was too much to ask
Of somebody like you.