Haikoo

the only thing that
I want to get better at
Is being myself

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Knock Knock

I knew
Yesterday
Exactly what was going on
Now there’s
A veil over
What I knew last night
Flashes pop now again
Like a busy friend
Or one I won’t
Have at my table

I wonder if it knows
It loves me
It’s
at the foot of my bed
Inside my head
Knocking against waiting
For my lightbulb to turn
On

I wonder how?
I think wondering is not the way
I think
(And I see this clearly sometimes)
It is being
Like a butterfly let off a string

Then again
I don’t know.
It does.

Breathing out

I’m so sorry
Didn’t mean to be shitty
I’m really all soft
And think you are pretty

I keep secret things
That make me concerned
Bad things I picked up
All spelt wrong and learned

I’m not prepared
For somebody nice
When you asked me once
I needed it twice

So I’m so sorry
Don’t mean to be shitty
I’m still all soft
And you’re still all pretty

The Needle

When I was in pre-school – so maybe 4, 5 years old, we had to get injections. We went to the school hall for it. We all lined up and I got to the front and was super curious and saw this needle about to inject into my skin. I was super excited and looked really closely so I could watch what happened. I’d had injections before and I wanted to see how they did it. She got the needle out and it was poised over my arm and…

…this bitch teacher to my side goes ‘look at me!’ and waves at me like some sort of clowny idiot. I’m not impressed. This is not important. When I look back it was over. I missed it. Godammit.

I can still see this twat’s fake smiley ass clown face. I was annoyed at her but what could I do.

 I don’t know if I can enjoy injections anymore.

Light

You walked over plains that no one sees
You played music only angels hear
You’ve Let It Go.
You’ve seen hearts open
From ten thousand lives
You’ve been loved by souls
And made them cry
You’ve stepped into skies
You’ve walked wordlessly and un-followed into
Inconceivable light

You’ve been walking on burning feet for a long time now

But you are still
one thousand voices loud
one thousand candles and bright

I will always
Be Proud
Of you.

Prayer to Myself

I know they did me very wrong but
I hope I don’t
Hold it against
Anyone
too long

I hope I
Let go and
Laugh
louder than I cry

I hope the castle I build is higher than
deep, of any hole I’ve dug

I hope I keep believing.
I hope I remember that I belong.

I hope I realise that what I deserve
Is always more than I think

I hope I end up myself
and no one else

I hope I run
Faster than I chase

and I hope I look forward
More firmly than I recall

I hope I am never crueller to myself
Than I am to others

I hope I never forget

Shadows may fascinate but
they all disappear in light

I hope I can make mine bright
I’ll get this right

Catseye

It takes some time
For me to see
How beautiful
Ugly is
To me

How fabulous
Disgusting
Seemed
How weak and sly and
In betweened

Inconsequential
Spineless
Muck
How lowly, hollow
armed and sucked

how dead end roaded
Savage plain
coward-eyed
and limping came

In far away
And given up
How carcass hearted
Piled and stuck

I saw the terror in your eyes
And it came as no surprise
When it came for game to play
You soiled yourself and ran away

real mate

thank you for keeping me happy
thank you for keeping me sane
thank you for not letting me jump off a cliff
when i’d forgotten my face and my name
thanks for cleaning up my mess
and hearing all my shite
and reminding me that feelings end
and everything’s all right

it’s just the smallest things you know
that makes the change for me
when no one else around is strong
you help me smile and see
you and i don’t think the same
thoughts splash my mind and scatter
but you put the thinkings in their pots
and remind me they don’t matter

and i’ve a tendency to sink
into a desolating mud
but you catch my head before it
hits that concrete with a thud
you light a taper in my dark
you know it’s not the end
i’d just like to thank you chick
for being a damn good friend

Heal

he grew me like a flower
i wondered when id ever get him gone
he came to me inside my dreams
and did things that were wrong

my frail body can’t withstand
the wrong you did to me
my ears they bleed

i miss you and your
terrible

i miss you and your
terrible
disgusting
haunting

i miss you and your
terrible
disgusting
haunting

and I a nothing
a nothing
a Nothing
I trusted you

I was wrong

see ya

It was so easy to lemon drop my secrets into you
like pennies in a well
but i won’t throw my coins away
you won’t make my wish come true

i feel safe amidst your voice
i’m held up stars away
but you can’t come to see me smile
or come and watch me play

we spoke with lights in both our eyes
we fit like oiled machines
but you can’t show me what you feel
i can’t show you what i mean

And so they tell me, I know it’s true,
You’re not worthy of my time
but they don’t see us like I do
when i was yours, and mine

i burnt into you like a flame
you cowered coiled away
love’s a brave heroic game
that you’re too scared to play

and snapping you from off of me
like hair and skin and bone
leaving things i left unsaid
and things i know, unknown

it’s another story for the books
a ghost tore us apart
but i’ll remember that one moment when
i had you,
at the start

Neat

i am falling together like
a clever origami piece
deftly unfolded into breathless bright Cities

im shaking you off
these many legged crawlings in my fur
i found the way
to breathe you out and make you run

as sheets fall
dust fills my air but
i found the way
to suck it up and lemon scent

i am becoming un-lost
Heart, you’re done counting

You can come find me now